The Modern Nomads

One Family's Journey

I Found My Voice

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On May 3, 2024

In Amanda's Musings

Last month, I successfully defended my Ph.D. dissertation at Dallas Baptist University. It was equal parts fun and nerve-racking. During my four years, I’ve gotten to know and become friends with my professors, making DBU one of the best places to pursue a doctoral degree. I’ve enjoyed having them actually care about what is going on in their students’ lives while also treating us like the professionals we are. I left the program changed and took a piece of the university’s DNA into my personal and professional life. I grew as a follower of Christ and as a leader.

During my defense, my chair asked me a final question:

“What did you learn about yourself during your time in the program?”

WOW! What a question! I knew something like that could be asked, so I spent much time processing it. However, what came out of my mouth was not at all what I had rehearsed. All of a sudden, standing before my colleagues and professors, tears began welling up in my eyes. (By the way, I hate crying. And I was even more appalled that I began misting IN FRONT of my professors AT my defense.) Then, what came out shocked me, maybe as much as it shocked those listening.

“I found my voice again.” 

This is a simple phrase, yet packed with so much history, hurt, and frustration. When I began the Ph.D program, I was struggling with what I had learned in seminary and what had been pushed on me at my former church about the roles of men and women in the church and home. (I learned a theology that supported extreme gender role separation where men have the “divine authority” to teach and lead while women have the “divine mandate” to support and submit.) At this point, I was beginning to dare ask myself whether or not these “divine” gender roles were as important to God as they appeared to be to man. 

After the Houston Chronicle broke the news indicating that since 1998, close to 400 SBC pastors/ministers abused over 700 victims, I began questioning my absolute commitment to the complementarian view of manhood and womanhood. How could the SBC protect these men who had promised to “lead and protect” their flock while using that trust to manipulate and abuse the most vulnerable? During 2019, I slowly began to wonder if the gender roles of men leading and women submitting had more to do with power than with actual biblical conviction. 

By the time I started the program, I was at a loss as to what to do. I knew my views on men and women in leadership were changing, but I did not know what to do with it. I felt like if I explored what I saw in scripture—Jesus including women in His ministry; Doctor Luke in Acts 2:17-18 indicating that both men and women could preach, teach, and lead; Romans 16 showing Paul serving alongside women as fellow ministry partners, church leaders, and apostles—that I would lose any influence I had in the denomination. Or worse, my husband would lose his job. (At that time, he was serving at a SBC church.) So, I grappled alone (with Chris) and tried to make sense of what I saw in scripture juxtaposed with what I saw in my denomination. 

However, what I experienced at DBU radically differed from what I experienced in other Baptist spaces. As my cohort slowly dwindled to ten men and me (the lone female), I discovered a comradeship I thought impossible. Instead of being “frightened” or suspicious of me, they treated me with dignity and respected me as a fellow scholar. During my 20 years of ministry, I learned to put up a wall between myself and male co-workers because I did not want to make them feel uncomfortable (by my presence) or threatened (once again, by my presence). However, I slowly learned that a wall was not needed with this group. We were all scholars who wanted to glorify God by doing the best research in our particular field, and this strange male-female suspicion was unnecessary. 

Over time, this group of scholars and professors helped me find my voice…again. Of course, I did not realize that was happening. But, with one simple question: “What did you learn about yourself during your time in the program?”… I discovered the answer. 

I learned that God has given me a unique voice that should not be silenced. I learned that humility in leadership does not equal silence on issues. I learned what it means to be “brothers and sisters” in Christ and not be afraid of each other. And, through it all, I experienced the freedom to formulate responses, engage in debate, and even disagree (sometimes explicitly) without being given a demeaning label. 

These past four years have been some of the most mentally grueling of my life, but they have also been some of the fullest. Finding my voice has strengthened my marriage, my life as a mom, and my friendships. For those who feel you have to get small to avoid offending, I want to encourage you to stop believing that lie. God created males and females, and He “blessed them.” (Gen 1:27-28)

God didn’t just bless men; He blessed them.

Many women need to step into that blessing and realize that God did not create you by mistake. He purposefully gave you your callings, giftings, and passions. If you are called to teach…then teach. If you are gifted to lead…then lead. If you have a passion to preach God’s Word…then preach. 

Once you hit a certain age, you wonder if you can grow and change. I can say with certainty that you can! Thank you to my cohort for including me in your fraternity, and thank you to my professors, turned friends, who helped me re-discover and find my voice. I pray that my first half will not define the second half of my ministry. Lord, may it be so!   

Side Note: If you are looking for a place where you will be celebrated instead of vilified, consider DBU. If you want to study at a university that requires you to think for yourself while also challenging you not to neglect Christ’s example, consider DBU. Finally, if you want to grow professionally, mentally, and spiritually, consider DBU. (For the record, I was not asked to write this post, nor does anyone at DBU “endorse” it. I just believe in what they are doing over on the Hill!)            

Unrealized Hope in 2024

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On December 31, 2023

In Amanda's Musings, Uncategorized

Initially, I was going to write a Facebook post, but it may be too long. Therefore, I decided on another blog post. I have so many thoughts about 2023, but one overwhelming thought/feeling is: I AM SO GLAD IT IS OVER!! (If you want to know more about my 2023, read my previous post here.)

I know any of you would rather not re-live 2020; I feel that way about 2023. I am sneaking into 2024, praying that it does not know I am coming. 

This reality brings me to the actual point of the post.

Aren’t you thankful for new beginnings?

I can be fairly nostalgic, but if I dwell too much on the past or think too much about the future, I end up feeling anxious and depressed. So, today, I want us to think about the present as it winks towards the future.

Today is the last day of 2023 (PRAISE!), and tomorrow begins 2024. As I’ve thought about the ending of a challenging year and the beginning of a new year, a phrase continues to come into my mind: Unrealized Hope. Although I do not think you have to have a “word of the year,” I will embrace the tradition…even if it’s just this year.

Hope. What a fleeting word, which seems to leave as soon as you start to grasp it! Paul reminds us that “Hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.” (Rom. 8:24-25) 

As 2024 begins, I am hoping for many things. 

First, I am hoping for a better year. I look back on 2023, and I am not the same person. I have changed many thoughts, convictions, and understandings of issues I once (loudly) professed. However, I grasped more tightly to Christ and saw His heart in a deeper, more profound way. I pray that the change results in a better year because I went through the crushing, survived, and now feel like I can begin to live out of the person God is making. I do not yet see what God is doing, but I continue to hope in the promise that “He who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” (Phil. 1:6)

Secondly, I am hoping for renewed passion. This year was a year of survival. Thankfully, my doctoral work kept my mind busy and my creative juices flowing.  However, I hope to have a renewed passion for other things. 

  • I love lunches with friends but didn’t take many in 2023. 
  • I love sitting and writing out blog posts, but in 2023, I didn’t dare write too many personal feelings. 
  • I love being with friends, but in 2023, I didn’t have enough emotional energy for friends. 
  • And…maybe most importantly…I want a renewed passion for Christ’s bride, the Church. Church has been a difficult thing for me this year. However, I have tried to stay engaged…at least bodily. In 2024, I hope to engage emotionally as well. I still have alot of issues to work out about the church (especially the American church). Still, as I work them out, I hope God will renew my passion for His people. 

Lastly, I hope to finish my Ph.D. and move on to the next thing (whatever that thing is). This hope is more of a practical hope, but it is something I have yet to realize. I started this journey in 2019, and it has been a VERY long road. However, I see a glimpse of light at the end of this long tunnel. My family needs me to be done, and I need me to be done. I enjoyed almost every minute of this journey and saw things in myself that I did not know existed. I learned that even at 45, I can do hard things. I look forward, with unrealized hope, to how God will use this degree for His glory. 

Unrealized Hope. The fact that I am at the place of hoping again is a testament to God’s redemptive, healing work. I still have a ways to go, but I can hope again. I do not see the world as a place from where I want to run and hide. Instead, I want to tiptoe back into it, knowing there could be landmines, and enjoy it. 

In a few short hours, 2024 will finally arrive. I don’t know about you, but I am thankful to see its arrival.

What Unrealized Hope do you have for 2024?  

 

The Year That Was

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On September 28, 2023

In Amanda's Musings

The year that was… So many statements can come after this introduction. The year that was difficult. The year that was heartbreaking. The year that was confusing. The year that was unexplainable. The year that was eye-opening. The year that was the first glance of freedom. The year that was…

This week is the anniversary of one of my life’s most difficult professional and personal events. A year ago, my husband called to tell me that a ministry partner/friend/family we had served alongside for over a decade was fired. He did nothing wrong. He did not embezzle money, cheat on his wife, or abuse his flock. However, he was fired without warning and without cause. This decision crushed us, and it was clear that the new leadership wanted no accountability. Once we began asking questions, we became the target. Two weeks after our friend’s firing, my husband resigned/was forced out. After fourteen years of serving a congregation we loved, we left. We left devastated, confused, hurt, and broken.

I have often said, “If we can just get to a year, then I think we can make it.” And…we made it.

Initially, I wanted to write a post highlighting only the good and beautiful things the Lord brought into our lives this year. However, the more I thought about the year, I realized that talking only about the blessings of this year would discount the lessons the Father taught me. The lessons came out of the crushing that occurred. I cannot share the good without first acknowledging the devastation. Our American Christianity wants people to put on fake smiles and act like they have it all together. I know this role well and received an Academy Award for it. But, in glossing over the hurt, people do not get to see our God at work.

Psalm 34:18 says, “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” In my forty-plus years, I have experienced some dark days. However, this year was different. Never before had I experienced a crushing of my spirit. The word “crushed” means to be “ground into powder or dust.” Think about that analogy for a moment. When an individual takes an object and grinds it into dust, they exert so much pressure on the thing that it nearly dissolves. The object is still present, but it has changed forms. It has no power. It has no recognizable form. It seems useless.

However, in that very state of weakness and apparent uselessness, God shows up. Sometimes, seeing Him is difficult (if not almost impossible). But He is present. Not only is He present, but He is near, meaning right beside me.

And…He saves. I love the meaning of this word: saves. It means that God delivers, keeps, helps, rescues, avenges, and sets free. This past year has been a year of being set free. I spent so many years trying to fit myself in a man-made box that I had become useless. I was not free to do the ministry God called me to do because I was so busy trying to win the approval of men and not God (Gal. 1:10).

Although I will never fully understand why God allowed this crushing, I see Him taking the dust and forming it into something different. I am not the person I was a year ago… PRAISE GOD! I have more compassion for hurting people, especially those who experience church hurt. I understand what it feels like to question your faith and wonder if all of it is just a farce. I empathize with those who cannot darken the doors of a church or those who slip in unnoticed and then slip out unnoticed. I know what it is like to look at a church staff (especially a pastor) and question his/her motives. I have been the one who wants to throw up my hands and walk away from all of it. In fact, I was almost that person.

But… “To whom shall I go? Jesus has the words of eternal life, and I have believed, and have come to know, that He is the Holy One of God” (John 6:68-69). Peter’s confession has become my confession. Countless times this year, I have heard (in my spirit) Jesus asking, “You do not want to leave too, do you?” And…so many times, I wanted to say, “YES! I’m done!” However, regardless of the hurt, devastation, confusion, and crushing caused by man, I do not know where I would go.

Because the biggest blessing and lesson of this year is… I found JESUS.

Not a white evangelical form of Jesus. Not a Sunday morning/Wednesday night form of Jesus. Not even a Christmas and Easter form of Jesus. Just Jesus.

The Savior who saved me at 19 years old. The Jesus who called me into ministry a short time afterward. The Jesus I saw overseas in the faces of people who heard His name for the first time. The Jesus who my children said talked to them when they were scared. The Jesus who was present in those dark days where I did not know if my heart would make it. The Jesus who never turned away from my questions or pleas for justice. The Jesus who could handle my hurt and anger and sat with me as I raged at Him. Jesus…He is the One I found this year.

I do not know what this next year holds for me and my family, and I am learning that I really do not want to know. My selfish prayer is that this year God will begin to restore the years the locusts have devastated (Joel 2:25-27). However, regardless of what comes, “I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him until that day” (2 Tim. 1:12).

The year that was… I am thankful for the “was” moments/events in my life! This year was a difficult year, but, Praise God, it is not the end of my story. Somehow, I think it’s just the beginning.

Mommy, Can Women Pray?

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On June 28, 2023

In Amanda's Musings

While in church one Sunday, my seven-year-old daughter leaned over and asked, “Mommy, can women pray?” Taken aback by her question, I answered with an affirmative. After all, she saw me pray daily, so I was a little confused about the question. She asked, “Then why don’t they pray in church?” Dumbfound, I answered with some shallow excuse and told her we would talk about it at home.

At that moment, my daughter displayed more wisdom and discernment than many of our church leaders. Week after week, my daughter witnessed that only half the church actively participated, and she was honest and innocent enough to articulate it. Yes, women sing solos and sing in the choir, but rarely, if ever, do they give the corporate prayer. They certainly cannot say anything that would be deemed “teaching.”

Over the years, the church’s leadership adopted an ecclesiological structure where men had the authority to teach, speak, and even pray in church while the women were relegated to the sidelines. Women had their Bible studies, prayer ministries, and discipleship groups, but they had no freedom to share what they learned with the rest of the congregation. If asked, the leaders affirmed the space for women to pray (and maybe speak) in the open assembly; however, an unwritten rule said it was best if they did not.

A few months later, another event happened that would change me forever. The president of the seminary I attended was accused of mishandling sexual abuse and objectifying a young woman’s body. I will never forget what I felt when I read the story. I considered his wife a mentor then and knew he would correct this wrong. I waited…and then waited some more. The apology never came. Instead, he doubled down on his comments and refused to admit how much he hurt them. Didn’t he teach that the man’s role was to protect women? Didn’t he teach that women should graciously submit to the servant leadership of men in authority over them? Didn’t he teach that women could trust the godly men in their lives? So, what in the world was going on?

Shortly after these comments became public, the trustees removed him. One might think that I felt a sense of relief, but I did not. Instead, I felt a deep ache, leading to confusion, loss, and anger. Slowly, this question formed within my spirit: What if the “truth” of women’s submission and men’s servant leadership had more to do with misogyny than biblical truth?

For fifteen years, I believed and was taught the complementarian view, which states that men and women were made in God’s image and equal in their worth and standing before God. However, men and women had different roles. Men were called to lead, and women were called to graciously submit under that leadership.

Since that Sunday morning, I have observed the fruit of the complementarian position, and it is not good. Instead of protecting and esteeming women, I have seen abuse and marginalization. In Matthew 7:15-20, Jesus warns: “Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves. By their fruit you will recognize them. Do people pick grapes from thornbushes or figs from thistles? Likewise, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them.”

Not everyone who espouses a complementarian position is a wolf in sheep’s clothing. In fact, at this point in my journey, complementarianism—though a loose one—is what I still claim. However, recent history shows that the architects of the strict/hyper-complementarian position I was trained in produced harmful and rotten fruit. The leaders said with their mouths that they believed men and women were made in the image of God, but their actions proved otherwise. When half of the church believes that the other half is ontologically “other than,” victimization, abuse, and marginalization flourish. (I know most if not all, would disagree with that statement. However, one must look at actions over words.)

How did we get to this point?

Over the last five years, I have struggled with this question. To be honest, I am still wrestling with it. However, I have gained more perspective over the last few years, especially in the last few weeks. At the 2021 Southern Baptist Convention, the messengers asked the Executive Committee to form a task force to investigate the past twenty years of sexual abuse accusations against pastors and SBC leaders. They requested the EC to hire an independent firm, which they did. In May 2022, Guidepost released its report; and it was not good. Instead of protecting the vulnerable, the SBC leadership covered up and minimized the abuse while marginalizing the abused. In fact, they had a secret database with pastors and leaders convicted of abuse, but they did not share that list with churches. The men who said they would protect women and children failed.

So, now what?

First, I need to lament and repent of the harm this ideology caused to the people in my care. Second, I need to acknowledge my part in this story. I am not an innocent bystander but an active participant in believing, promoting, and teaching this hardline/strict/hyper-complementarianism. My entire theological training focused on women’s ministry and “biblical” womanhood. I have written papers, blog posts, devotionals, a dissertation, and published a book explaining why half the church has authority over the other half. Certainly, God has a better plan for His Church!

Finally, I must act. For me, this step is the hardest. I have built my ministry around this ideology and wonder what to do. However, I know I cannot remain silent. Many young adults I’ve mentored and taught contacted me to discuss how this theology affected and currently affects their lives, ministries, and marriages. My heart breaks for them. And my heart breaks for the role I played in it—the things I said to them in private need to be stated in public. I am confident that God does not waste anything, including the difficult parts of my journey.

My once seven-year-old daughter is now a beautiful preteen, entering into Jr. High (AHH!). She is growing in her relationship with Christ, and I love watching her fall in love with Him and His Word. My husband and I are responsible to her, our other daughter, and our son for teaching and modeling how men and women work together for the glory of God.

When God said, “Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness,” He wasn’t just talking about Adam. Scripture says, “So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them. God blessed them…” (Gen. 1:26-27). Man, NOT God, put men and women against each other. In Christ, we have a new way of relating to each other, one that does not require one gender to be subordinate to the other (Eph. 5: 21; Heb. 13:1). I desire to spend the rest of my life learning that new way of relating and being faithful to model that to the next generation.

A Journey Through Grief

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On March 27, 2023

In Amanda's Musings

In my twenty-plus years of ministry, the last few months have proved the most difficult. The story is familiar, but I thought (naively) I could avoid it. A new, young pastor comes on staff, and months later, the staff members who have served, loved, and carried the church are gone. (Some of you know this crushing reality and still have scars to show for it.) Unless you’ve experienced something similar to this situation, it’s a difficult feeling to explain. 

If you’ve been in ministry for any length, you know that how you view ministry often differs from how many in the pews view it. I’ve discovered that church members wrongly assume that ministers consider them “the job.” However, you can’t walk through the valley with a church and not come to love them deeply. Why be in ministry if you can keep your heart separate from your people? Therefore, when a minister’s family is removed from their church, there is only one way to describe it…crushing loss coupled with intense grief. 

Grief…I’ve learned so much about this feeling that I didn’t realize before this point in my life. I’ve experienced loss, which culminated in grief. However, I’ve not experienced grief (to this level) because of others’ actions. (Typing that sentence causes me to realize how “lucky/blessed/fortunate” I’ve been.) So…what have I learned?

First, there are stages to grief, which are not linear. Of course, I’ve known about the grief stages for a long time (I did take some psychology classes), but I have not lived through the stages and then cycled back through them. 

As a refresher, here are the stages of grief:

  1. Denial
  2. Anger
  3. Bargaining
  4. Depression
  5. Acceptance

A few weeks ago, I asked my counselor if I was correctly experiencing the stages of grief. I’ve always seen them as going from point A to point B. However, I realized I kept cycling: anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, and then back to anger. She said something that revolutionized the way I view grief. She said, “Amanda, you know that grief is not linear, right?” Ummm…no, I did not.  If you, like me, struggle to understand at what stage of grief you are experiencing, hear me say: Grief is not linear. 

For some reason, this reality is so freeing for me. It’s OK to go from acceptance and back to denial and anger. It’s OK to feel like you’ll make it on Monday and then struggle on Tuesday. No two people experience or process grief the same. God is way too creative for that. So, don’t beat yourself up. 

However, let’s also keep moving. I realize that the anger and depression stage is tempting to “sit” in and just veg there. But I also know it’s not the healthiest place to stop. When I stop and pull up a chair to anger and depression, I lose myself. I forget about joy, hope, forgiveness, and love. I forget that there is a God who will help me. So…I know I can’t stay there. I must keep moving.

Secondly, I do not have to be ashamed of my grief or explain it away. I’ve discovered that Americans, including Christians, are uncomfortable with grief. Of course, we send flowers, a meal, and even offer to run errands for those experiencing a loss. However, we do not know how to sit with someone in their grief. 

Our minds begin to race: What should I say? How should I help? How can I get them “over” it? Instead of looking for answers, those in grief often want someone just to be there. Be present and lament with them. Realize that you probably do not have THE answer, but instead, you can offer them an ear to listen, a hug, or just silence. 

Those experiencing loss inherently know that life will get better, and they will laugh again…eventually. But, in the meantime, allow them the opportunity to grieve and not be ashamed of their grief. In Romans 12:15, Paul reminds us: “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.” Don’t rush people through their grief, but allow them the time to journey through their grief. 

Finally, grief reminds me that I am human and live in a fallen world. In January, our new church’s pastor began a sermon series titled “Back to the Beginning.” He’s slowly preached through Genesis 1-3, highlighting the highs and lows of those chapters. Within three chapters, we go from a void and formless world to a perfect world with perfect communion between God and humanity and then to darkness, sin, and death. It’s a rollercoaster of emotions! 

As he preached through the curses in Genesis 3:14-23, I realized (again) just how devastating sin is to humanity. Sin breaks our relationship with God, each other, and the world. Once again, Paul reminds us: “We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.” (Romans 8:22-25)    

There is so much to unpack in those verses, but the simple truth is that sin marred everything. We grieve and struggle through deep hurt because we live in a fallen world, among fallen people, and with a fallen nature. No one (including me) is free from the effects of sin or from being the one who sins. 

Sin marred everything, BUT there is hope! HOPE… For those experiencing grief, hope is what (and Who) wakes us up every morning. Hope is what reminds us that healing is coming. Hope helps us endure the long nights and the distracted days. Hope, especially unseen Hope, keeps us going when we want to give up. Hope tells us that life will not always be like this because there will come a time when He will right every wrong. Hope…that is what I am clinging to in my grief.

I know I still have a way to go before I get out of my grief cycle, but I also know that I am not walking this road alone. I don’t have any “cute/pithy” coffee mug lessons, but I do have Hope. I have a Savior who has never once left me to grieve alone. He’s heard my frustrations and cries for justice, and He’s been there through all of it. He’s not afraid of my grief. He’s not afraid of my anger. He’s not afraid of my hurt. He’s simply not afraid. Instead, He’s present…silently, patiently, unwaveringly present.

My friend, I don’t know what is grieving your heart today. But, I would encourage you to turn towards Hope. Don’t shut out His comfort and presence. He understands and can handle whatever stage you are currently experiencing. Just don’t give up on Him because He hasn’t given up on you. I pray that you and I will experience Hope as we journey through grief.        

 

A Different Kind of Christmas Season

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On December 7, 2022

In Amanda's Musings

For the first time in my adult life, I find myself churchless. I didn’t realize this until I was at a conference, and they asked me about my church home. I didn’t have an answer. What a strange and lonely feeling!

The last two months have been some of the hardest in ministry. Three months ago, Chris and I were extremely excited about where we were in life and college ministry. We experienced the biggest, number-wise, freshman attendees we’ve ever had. Our church had a young, new pastor whom we were eager to work with. COVID was part of the past. And we were excited about the future of our church and ministry.

Then, everything changed.

Due to details, I will not share (it’s not the point of this post), Chris resigned in November. It’s been two months of conflicting emotions: anger/revelation, despair/hope, bondage/freedom, and grief/joy. The strangest emotion is realizing that, for the first time, we are not married to a church calendar. Normally, December is full of parties and church events, all intertwined with carving out time for our family.

However, not this year.

This year our calendar is clear. We are not obligated to attend meetings, events, church services, or parties. It is strange to look at our calendar and see white space. But…isn’t that how it should be every year? The American Christmas season has turned into one of the busiest times of the year. We have to buy for this person, bake this cake, decorate this cookie, go to this event, and with the leftovers, we celebrate the Savior. Sadly, the church is rarely different from the world. In the past, Chris and I felt compelled to make sure we helped others have a “good Christmas,” and we forgot to wonder and savor the advent of Christ.

This year is a different kind of Christmas season.

I still feel the tension of thinking I should be busy doing and making something, going somewhere, and organizing events. However, God is teaching me (though it feels more like forcing me) to be still. I do not have to have every weekend filled with something to “help” me celebrate Christ’s birth. It’s no longer my responsibility to organize activities to point others to Christ’s advent. It’s not my responsibility to…

Instead, God has provided me with a season of rest. A season of waiting. A season of hope. A season of wonder. He’s provided me with a different kind of Christmas season. It’s a season of Advent where I anticipate celebrating the birth of my Savior and looking to the future of His second coming.

I do not know what our life will look like a year from now. We may be back on church staff, or we may be doing something completely different. But, in the meantime, I will wait…and rest. I will take advantage of this Christmas season and regain the wonder of waiting for Christ’s birth.

Let’s Stop the Infighting

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On June 22, 2019

In Amanda's Musings

Over the last few months (actually, closer to a year), there seems to be a reckoning within my denomination and thus my small part of the world. I realize that most people outside of the Southern Baptist Convention have no clue, nor do they care, what is going on within our ranks. They may hear bits on the news or talk radio about sexual abuse within the church, fights over whether women should preach/have leadership positions over men, and whether Calvin’s understanding of salvation is the more (or less) biblical doctrine of salvation. And, for “outsiders,” these issues are just one, of many, reasons they give for seeing the church as detached from reality. (Just for clarity, should it ever be a question whether or not to report sexual abuse? For goodness sakes, report it!)

This year has been a tough one for many affiliated with the SBC…me included. I’ve struggled to know who to trust, if anyone. I’ve seen a “religious,” political jockeying for position among new, upcoming SBC leaders. (Actually, the politicalization of the SBC has been rampant for decades. But, I see people, who a few years ago were adamantly opposed to such tactics, now being the ones leading the charge.)  I’ve discovered that once a group gains power, there is a desire, at whatever cost, to hold onto that power. (And, now that power within the SBC is shifting, I don’t have much faith that the ones now in leadership will behave differently than the ones who went before them.)  I’ve seen continued infighting, name calling, and insults from the very ones who once seemed above that type of nonsense. (Most of it done on Twitter and behind the comfort of the computer screen.) And…I could go on. But, instead, I will ask: What in the world are we doing? And maybe an even deeper question, WHY are we doing it?

I’ll admit, the “what” question is a little harder for me to answer. I’ve read the Twitter/Facebook posts and wonder what in the world the people behind the posts are thinking. I love a good argument (just ask my husband), but I can’t get over how those claiming to have the Holy Spirit living within them are talking to and about each other. Have they forgotten that we are all on the same team, and more importantly, part of the same Body, Jesus Christ? Just because people disagree with you on non-gospel, tertiary issues, why make them out to be an enemy or speak negatively about them? 

Maybe I’m too “simple-minded,” but it doesn’t make sense to me. If I fought with everyone I disagreed with, then I wouldn’t have anyone in my corner. I’m sure some would say: “You just don’t understand! You haven’t been hurt the way I have; you haven’t been spoken to the way I have; you haven’t been…” Oh, don’t be too quick to draw conclusions. I’ve been in this SBC bubble for almost 20 years, including graduating with 2 degrees from one of the seminaries that is now being ripped on Twitter. I get it. People, including me, have been hurt. But, we must do better and stop perpetuating the hurt.

Yes, there are definitely issues worth fighting over, and the SBC tackled many of those problems during their annual meeting in Birmingham. However, every issue, mis-spoken word, or ill thought out sermon illustration is not a hill worth dying on. Let’s save our energy for those issues that really matter. 

The “why” question seems to be a little easier for me to answer. I believe with everything in me that the reason we, in the SBC, are fighting with each other is because WE CAN. Up until this point in history, the American church has been spared the vast persecution that is rampant in most of the world. Sure, a few of us professing Christians experience social, academic, familial, and maybe even financial discomfort. But, we aren’t living in fear for our life or the life of our family. 

I’ve visited, worked, and even lived in countries that experience true persecution. They aren’t just afraid of losing their business; they fear losing their life. In fact, whenever a new believer chooses to be baptized they are often asked: “Will you turn away from Jesus even when your life or your family’s life is threatened?” If they aren’t willing to lay down their life for the sake of the gospel, then they dare not go through the baptismal waters.

I’ll admit, I’ve never heard that question asked in our cushy, American churches. But, what if we approached our relationship with Christ the way our persecuted brothers and sisters do? Would our relationship with each other look different? Would we see each other as a necessity in each other’s lives? Would we love each other better? Would we serve, instead of fight, each other? Would we work together instead of against each other? I think…no, I KNOW…we would. 

You see, my friends living in those countries need each other. They look out for each other, give to and for each other, pray together, serve together, and sometimes die together. They don’t have the “luxury” of wondering whether a woman can teach a man or whether Calvin got the doctrine of salvation correct. They have deeper, more life threatening, issues to deal with. Oh, that we would turn our hearts away from this infighting and towards Jesus, and thus each other! 

I am so tired of our culture seeing us as a fractured, out of touch religious denomination in decline. Instead, my prayer is that our culture would see in us a dynamic, life-giving Savior worth serving and worth dying for. Our persecuted brothers and sisters get it. May it not take a rampant outbreak in persecution before we really get it.

Leaders, it begins with us!    

    

Prayer Room: Not Occupied

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On November 27, 2018

In Amanda's Musings

Last Sunday I walked into the Cave (the location of our college ministry) and saw this sign. It’s hanging on our prayer room door to let others know whether or not someone is currently using it. I’ve seen this sign countless times, but this Sunday something was different. You see, our personal life is in a little of an upheaval because we are trying to get our house ready to sell (more on that process later). And, if you’re anything like me, during seasons of busyness one of the first things to suffer is my time with my Heavenly Father. 

My mind is so preoccupied that even when I do make an effort to sit down for some quality time with Him, my mind wanders. “I need to call the plumber. Now, when did the carpenter say he was going to come by? What else do I need to clean out or clean up to make the house presentable?” Oh, and that doesn’t include the normal thoughts about kids’ schedules, supper plans, and everyday mommy issues. 

One of the biggest tactics satan uses against us is busyness. If he can keep us out of the prayer room, then he can keep us away from the very One who stands ready to deliver everything we need to live a life of godliness. The enemy knows “the prayer of a righteous person has great power…” (James 5:16). He knows that our Father listens to us and is willing and waiting to answer the needs of His children (Matt. 21:21-22). 

Therefore, if the prayer room of our heart is not in use, then we can quickly become of NO use. 

I don’t know about you, but that is a terrifying thought for me. I so want to be a wife, mom, minister, and friend who is useful in God’s Kingdom. I want to lead my children, through my example, to be men and women of prayer. I want to be a wife that my husband knows is fighting every day for our marriage and our ministry. I want to be a mentor that can say with confidence: “Be imitators of me, as I am of Christ” (1 Cor. 11:1). But, it begins in the prayer room. It begins with taking the time to have uninterrupted conversations with the Lover of my soul. 

So, if you find yourself, like me, with a closed off prayer room, ask God to forgive you and help you discover the best time to spend uninterrupted time with Him. We often make too much out of the “when” of prayer/quiet time that we don’t actually get around to “doing.” God is way more concerned with our obedience than our good, but never realized, intentions. You may not be able to wake up before your children get out of bed (mainly because you never know when they will actually wake up…can I please get an AMEN?!), but you do know you have time during their nap time or right after you put them to bed. Start there. You may be a student and you realize the best time really is in the morning before you head off to class. Commit to waking up 15 minutes early, and start there. 

Life is difficult, and I so need my prayer room to be occupied. I can’t control the craziness of this season, but I can control how I allow it to control me. Today, I’m starting fresh in my commitment to my Heavenly Father. He made me for relationship, and I am incapable of doing life on my own. What about you?

May it not be said of us: “Your prayer room is currently not in use!” 

Discerning Lies from the Truth

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On November 13, 2018

In Amanda's Musings

A few nights ago, my husband and I watched the movie, A Wrinkle in Time, which is based on a book by the same title. I, unlike my husband, have not read the book. So, I wasn’t sure what to expect. Though, at times, I found it to be a little odd, the movie held a powerful message that resonated with my heart.

Towards the end of the movie, there is a scene where “The IT” (the representation of evil) possesses the main actress’ little brother causing him to say things that are not characteristic of his nature. He repeats to her all her faults, confirms the negative things she thinks about herself, and condemns her desire to seek love, forgiveness, and hope in spite of her shortcomings.

Watching that scene unfold, I was struck by how eerily familiar that conversation was to me. However, instead of an imaginary adversary speaking cruel, harsh words over me, it is a real adversary that hates anything God deems “good.”

We live in a culture that demands we conform to its definition of “normal.” When asked, none of us can really explain or come up with a good explanation of what “normal” looks like. So, we are left to figure it out for ourselves. I have discovered that this inconsistency is wreaking havoc on men and women alike.

When we turn to the world, instead of the Scriptures, for our understanding of peace, hope, love, and even a definition of self, we get caught up in believing whatever the world tells us is “true.”

But, I propose there is another, and dare I say, better way…

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. 5 Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; 6 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. 9 What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you. Philippians 4:4-9

There is so much rich truth in these verses, but I will only focus on a few.

First, we need to “Rejoice.”

When Paul wrote this letter, he was sitting in a Roman prison. How can a man, given his current situation, urge us to rejoice? His answer is found just a few sentences down: “The Lord is at hand.” (Or, as one translation says, “The Lord is near.”)

Ladies, I so often forget the nearness of my God. If you are a follower of Christ, His Spirit actually lives within you (1 Cor. 3:16). Praise God that we cannot go anywhere that His presence isn’t constantly with us (Ps. 139:7-12). When life gets overwhelming, we have a Heavenly Father who has put His strength within us. When we get the news we’ve been dreading, we have a reason to HOPE. When our circumstances have sucked all the happiness out of life, we have His JOY coursing through our veins. And, it’s not this warm, fuzzy idea of joy. But, it’s a joy that comes from the realization that we serve a God who never leaves or forsakes us (Deut. 31:8).

When the enemy comes against you telling you that God has forgotten you, don’t believe it for one second. Instead, rejoice in the nearness of God’s presence…even if you don’t “feel” it at the moment. Rejoice in the blessings, big and small, that have been given to you. Rejoice in how far you’ve come and look with anticipation at where He wants to take you.

And, that leads me to the second truth…

Next, we need to put away anxiety.

Anxiety is a feeling I know well. There was a time in my life where fear and anxiety ruled me. I couldn’t experience the joy, peace, and hope that is given through Christ because I couldn’t get past my own version of reality. Satan was robbing me of what Jesus died to give me, and I didn’t know what to do about it or how to overcome it. I know everyone who struggles with anxiety has their own personal story. But, for me, my freedom from fear and anxiety came with a good dose of counseling and learning how to pray with thanksgiving.

To this day, anxiety is something the enemy uses to try to overwhelm me. But I have also learned that his accusations are nothing more than noise. Just like “The IT” that tormented Meg, the main character, with her own fears and past faults, Satan does the same to us. He tells us convincing lies: “You’re wasting your life. You aren’t skinny, smart, beautiful, etc. enough for your husband. No man will ever want to marry you. You are a terrible mother.” And, the accusations continue. But, listen my friend, NONE of these lies are true!

Instead, listen to what your beloved Heavenly Father says of you. He calls you His daughter, and an heir with Christ (Gal. 4:7). He made you in “His image,” for His purposes, and for His glory (Gen. 1:26-28). If He calls you to singleness, it’s not because you aren’t wanted; it’s because He has a greater/different plan for you (1 Cor. 7:32-35). And, if He asks you to do something unconventional with your life (like staying at home while your kiddos are young), then you can be sure that you aren’t wasting your life (Jer. 29:11-13).

If you struggle with anxiety, I encourage you to seek the godly help/counsel that you need. But, I also exhort you to begin replacing the lies of the enemy with the truth of God’s Word. Will it change your life? YES…it changed mine.

Finally, we need to change the way we think.

What we think and how we feel usually go hand-in-hand. It is almost impossible to be overcome with fear, anxiety, and an overall lack of peace when we are filling our minds with things that are “true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent, and worthy of praise” (v. 8). Some of the darkest moments in my life have been when the enemy has attacked my mind. One of the last scenes of A Wrinkle in Time depicts a cruel attack by “The IT” on Meg’s thoughts. I could relate to Meg’s frustration and confusion when she saw what looked/felt a lot like reality. But, it was actually a mirage that was set on convincing her that she was the sum total of her faults and greatest fears.

Ever been there? I have! Everything is going well. I’m having a great day, thankful for my sweet husband and my three precious kiddos. Then, I see a friend of mine who has this amazing job, beautiful house, and status in the community. I rejoice with her in what God is doing in her life, walk away, and then the attacks begin: “You could be her, but you’re not. Why are you working so hard for children who are too little to even notice or care? What are you doing with your life? Is what you’re doing now really worth it?” I could go on, but I won’t…because they are all LIES. Sound familiar?

God gave us His Word in order to replace Satan’s mirage with His truth. He is the One who created us, redeemed us, and gave us our identity. He desires to help us see life from His perspective. There are no inconsistencies in God’s offer of hope, peace, love, and joy. God isn’t asking us to fit inside some box labeled “normal.” Instead, He’s calling us to a higher way of living. A way of living that replaces fear with peace, anxiety with thanksgiving, hate with love, lack of self-worth with worth from God, heartbreak with joy, and prisoner with redeemed.

My prayer is that we would be women who reach out, claim these truths for ourselves, and live in the freedom that comes from knowing Jesus as our Lord.

Originally published on www.bibicalwoman.com website.

The Hurry-Free Life

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On September 26, 2018

In Amanda's Musings, Walker Epic Roadtrip 2018

This summer was a unique, but amazing, summer for our family. Our church blessed my husband  and me with a two month sabbatical, which we enjoyed to the fullest. Instead of spending it in our hometown, we decided to take our seven, six, and two-year old on an epic adventure. We drove through 25 states, 3 Canadian provinces, stood in awe of 3 national parks, crossed two bridges so we could explore 2 different islands, and totaled over 6,000 miles on our family van. Needless to say, it was a busy summer. But, in the midst of all the activity, I noticed one small (but huge) difference:

I didn’t feel rushed. 

Being a mom of three little ones on top of having a Type A personality, busyness is something of a norm for me. To be honest, I get bored quite easily, so I do not mind and actually thrive off activity.

However, last school year there was one trait that I allowed to creep into our family: a spirit of hurriedness.

Often, I found myself rushing from one activity to another. I picked my girls up from school and then rushed to ballet class. We went to ballet class and then rushed to church. We went to church and then rushed home to do homework, baths, a quick family devotional and then bedtime. Countless times I’ve instructed my children to “hurry up” when I thought they weren’t moving fast enough for my standards. When my husband wanted to linger in the car so we could catch up on the day’s events, my thoughts quickly turned to what was next. As the year drug on, I realized that I couldn’t fully enjoy the present because I was too busy rushing to the next event. Therefore, this summer’s constant activity, without the feeling of being hurried, caused me to take a long look at my life and compare that to Jesus’ life. Here are a few things I’ve learned.

Busyness is not a sin, but being a “busybody” is sinful.

As I mentioned earlier, I enjoy having things to do. So, I was encouraged to discover that scripture actually warns us against idleness and laziness (Prov. 19:15, 2 Thess. 3:6-12). However, scripture also warns us about being “busybodies” (2 Thess. 3:11). A “busybody” is someone who hurries around from one activity to another. They do not finish a task before going on to the next one. A busybody is also characterized as one who meddles in other’s affairs. I don’t consider myself a “meddler.” But, I have been known to begin a task and not finish it. This only happens when I fill my life with too many things on my “to do” list, and there isn’t enough hours to complete it. Before I know it, I look up and my life is spinning out of control. I end up feeling rushed, cranky, and then lash out at the ones closest to me. 

If we were honest, this describes most women in America. In my little circle of influence, I know moms who work all week, travel to sporting events all weekend, and then come home late Sunday evening just to begin the cycle all over again. I know college students who skip out on previous commitments because they have overbooked themselves. I know single women who work long hours and then wonder why they don’t have time for a relationship. 

I propose to you that God never intended us to live this way. He made us for relationship, first with Him and then with others. Some of us need to stop being a busybody and actually learn to have activity with a purpose. And, that leads me to the second lesson. 

Jesus’ life can be characterized as “busy,” but His activities were filled with a purpose.

Take a few moments and flip through the Gospels. It wouldn’t take long to discover that Jesus constantly had people around Him. At one point, there were so many people pressing around Him that they began trampling on each other (Luke 12:1). However, in the midst of all the activity, He saw each individual, each need, and each situation. 

After a long day of debriefing and teaching, Jesus took time to stop in at Mary and Martha’s house so He could encourage and teach the people gathered there (Luke 10:38-42). On the way to Jairus’ house to heal his daughter, Jesus took notice of an unknown woman who had a bleeding issue. Jairus was a well-known synagogue ruler, and the woman was a “nobody.” (We don’t even know her name.) But, Jesus saw her, stopped what He was doing, and took time to heal this dear woman of her bleeding, restore her dignity, and give her back the life that was taken from her (Luke 8:40-48). And finally, there’s the example of Jesus, while eating at Simon’s (a Pharisee) house, allowed a sinful woman to anoint His feet with her tears as she dried them off with her hair. You can imagine the shock of those in attendance. Instead of casting her off, Jesus welcomed her, accepted her, forgave her, and then sent her away in peace (Luke 7:36-50). These are just three, of countless, examples found in scripture. 

What about you (and me)? Are we running from one activity to another all the while missing the God moments ordained for us? Or, are we allowing God to orchestrate our moments in the midst of activity? There are so many hurting people who need us to see them. There are women struggling in their marriages and with their children, and they need a friend to come and walk beside them. Our children need us to stop, see them, and be willing to be completely present with them. Let’s seek to be women who see people and not just an opportunity for activity.

This summer taught me that a life full of activity, yet not filled with frantic scurrying about, is actually possible. God has blessed my family with an amazing ministry to college students, my girls with an incredible school, and me, personally, with unique opportunities to minister to women. But, it is imperative that I allow Him to be in control of my moments and not get caught up in being busy but empty.   

This was originally posted on www.biblicalwoman.com     

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