Last month, I successfully defended my Ph.D. dissertation at Dallas Baptist University. It was equal parts fun and nerve-racking. During my four years, I’ve gotten to know and become friends with my professors, making DBU one of the best places to pursue a doctoral degree. I’ve enjoyed having them actually care about what is going on in their students’ lives while also treating us like the professionals we are. I left the program changed and took a piece of the university’s DNA into my personal and professional life. I grew as a follower of Christ and as a leader.
During my defense, my chair asked me a final question:
“What did you learn about yourself during your time in the program?”
WOW! What a question! I knew something like that could be asked, so I spent much time processing it. However, what came out of my mouth was not at all what I had rehearsed. All of a sudden, standing before my colleagues and professors, tears began welling up in my eyes. (By the way, I hate crying. And I was even more appalled that I began misting IN FRONT of my professors AT my defense.) Then, what came out shocked me, maybe as much as it shocked those listening.
“I found my voice again.”
This is a simple phrase, yet packed with so much history, hurt, and frustration. When I began the Ph.D program, I was struggling with what I had learned in seminary and what had been pushed on me at my former church about the roles of men and women in the church and home. (I learned a theology that supported extreme gender role separation where men have the “divine authority” to teach and lead while women have the “divine mandate” to support and submit.) At this point, I was beginning to dare ask myself whether or not these “divine” gender roles were as important to God as they appeared to be to man.
After the Houston Chronicle broke the news indicating that since 1998, close to 400 SBC pastors/ministers abused over 700 victims, I began questioning my absolute commitment to the complementarian view of manhood and womanhood. How could the SBC protect these men who had promised to “lead and protect” their flock while using that trust to manipulate and abuse the most vulnerable? During 2019, I slowly began to wonder if the gender roles of men leading and women submitting had more to do with power than with actual biblical conviction.
By the time I started the program, I was at a loss as to what to do. I knew my views on men and women in leadership were changing, but I did not know what to do with it. I felt like if I explored what I saw in scripture—Jesus including women in His ministry; Doctor Luke in Acts 2:17-18 indicating that both men and women could preach, teach, and lead; Romans 16 showing Paul serving alongside women as fellow ministry partners, church leaders, and apostles—that I would lose any influence I had in the denomination. Or worse, my husband would lose his job. (At that time, he was serving at a SBC church.) So, I grappled alone (with Chris) and tried to make sense of what I saw in scripture juxtaposed with what I saw in my denomination.
However, what I experienced at DBU radically differed from what I experienced in other Baptist spaces. As my cohort slowly dwindled to ten men and me (the lone female), I discovered a comradeship I thought impossible. Instead of being “frightened” or suspicious of me, they treated me with dignity and respected me as a fellow scholar. During my 20 years of ministry, I learned to put up a wall between myself and male co-workers because I did not want to make them feel uncomfortable (by my presence) or threatened (once again, by my presence). However, I slowly learned that a wall was not needed with this group. We were all scholars who wanted to glorify God by doing the best research in our particular field, and this strange male-female suspicion was unnecessary.
Over time, this group of scholars and professors helped me find my voice…again. Of course, I did not realize that was happening. But, with one simple question: “What did you learn about yourself during your time in the program?”… I discovered the answer.
I learned that God has given me a unique voice that should not be silenced. I learned that humility in leadership does not equal silence on issues. I learned what it means to be “brothers and sisters” in Christ and not be afraid of each other. And, through it all, I experienced the freedom to formulate responses, engage in debate, and even disagree (sometimes explicitly) without being given a demeaning label.
These past four years have been some of the most mentally grueling of my life, but they have also been some of the fullest. Finding my voice has strengthened my marriage, my life as a mom, and my friendships. For those who feel you have to get small to avoid offending, I want to encourage you to stop believing that lie. God created males and females, and He “blessed them.” (Gen 1:27-28)
God didn’t just bless men; He blessed them.
Many women need to step into that blessing and realize that God did not create you by mistake. He purposefully gave you your callings, giftings, and passions. If you are called to teach…then teach. If you are gifted to lead…then lead. If you have a passion to preach God’s Word…then preach.
Once you hit a certain age, you wonder if you can grow and change. I can say with certainty that you can! Thank you to my cohort for including me in your fraternity, and thank you to my professors, turned friends, who helped me re-discover and find my voice. I pray that my first half will not define the second half of my ministry. Lord, may it be so!
Side Note: If you are looking for a place where you will be celebrated instead of vilified, consider DBU. If you want to study at a university that requires you to think for yourself while also challenging you not to neglect Christ’s example, consider DBU. Finally, if you want to grow professionally, mentally, and spiritually, consider DBU. (For the record, I was not asked to write this post, nor does anyone at DBU “endorse” it. I just believe in what they are doing over on the Hill!)
