Last night marked a huge shift in my ministry. After eleven consecutive years in a church-based Women’s Ministry and nine years at my current location, I attended my last women’s leadership meeting. Over the last several months, I’ve felt the Lord moving me in a different direction. But, I really didn’t want to listen. My church has experienced so much uncertainty and confusion during the past few years, so originally, I thought it was a combination of burnout and compassion fatigue. However, the more I tried to keep going and refusing to give up, the more frustrated, confused, angry, and unsettled I became. This past May it came to a head. I looked around at my life and realized that I had become a wife, mommy, and minister that I didn’t like. I was pouring so much time and energy into MY ministry and leaving out my children, my husband and the ministry I have with (and to) him. I was frustrated, confused, angry, and unsettled because I had made MY ministry an idol.
You see, women’s ministry was something that was totally mine. Of course, I had an incredible leadership team who served sacrificially and was a constant source of encouragement. But, it was still MY ministry. I’m a fiercely independent person, and I liked having something that wasn’t “shared.” I got married in my 30’s, and I’ve had a very difficult time with the whole concept of “they will become one flesh” (Gen. 2:24). Oh, I didn’t realize this was occurring. After all, I was a “vital” partner in my husband’s ministry. He seeks my counsel, listens to what I say, and often acts on my advice. But, it wasn’t enough. I wanted (and thought needed) more. I wanted to have something (disguised as ministry) all to myself. I absolutely love the girls in our college/young adult ministry, so it took many months for me to realize that MY ministry had become my idol.
To be honest with you, it wasn’t until last Friday, while talking with my former co-leader, that God showed me the true condition of my heart. Myra asked: “How hard is it going to be for you to walk away from this?” Immediately, my heart leapt, and I wanted to sob. The reality of the difficulty was impossible to express in mere words. That day I told her that women’s ministry was a passion of mine, and it was going to be weird to still be involved in ministry at our church but not be in charge of the women’s ministry. In all actuality, it was my idol, MY ministry, that was difficult to give up. God was asking me to sever that last part of me that was keeping me “independent.” He was asking me to lay down MY ministry and fully join my husband in OUR ministry. He was asking me to practice what I preach (and actually wrote a book about). MY ministry had become first place in my life, and everything else in my life was required to follow. He was asking me to lay down my life, my desires, my understanding of ministry, and my security in order to become “one flesh” with the man He has given me. I’m still struggling with what this looks like, but I am hopeful for the future.
In a week our town will, once again, be filled with college students…OUR students. The Lord has put such an excitement in my heart for what lies ahead at Cook, and I haven’t felt that excitement in a long time. I feel the energy I used to spend on MY ministry shifting. I’m beginning to have a vision for our college girls and young adults that I haven’t felt before. I’m realizing all the education and experience I’ve acquired can and will be used in OUR ministry. Yes, it’s still scary to think about letting go, but I’m learning to do it. There is a whole host of young women who need someone to pour into them. And, most importantly, I have two young women living under my roof that need their mommy to pour into them. I’m in the process of raising and discipling the next generation–both at home and on our campuses. I don’t have time to hang onto MY ministry and risk missing what God has in store for OUR ministry. God has so much more in store for me than I can even imagine. And, I don’t want to miss it!
Father, thank you for revealing the idolatry in my heart and giving me Your grace to confront it. May I continue to lay it down at your feet and worship You alone!
What a blessing it has been to work with this group of women! I love each of you dearly!
